When your faith is tested your endurance has a chance to grow. James 1:3 NLT
Originally I planned on publishing another blog that included more personal details about my life, my current journey of self development and spiritual growth, it doesn’t have any jaw dropping revelations but it’s still something I’m not sure I want to share quite yet. As a result of not posting my planned blog I’ve been hit with a case of writers block. I’ve started writing and deleting a number blogs during the past two and a half weeks but none them seemed worthy enough to publish. My goal is to post something on a semi-regular basis so I’ve decided to write an utterly mundane blog about things you may or may not know about me.
It’s dark, I don’t know the exact time but it’s in the middle of night. All I want is to be able to sleep in my bed but I’m being forced to sit on a toilet because I wet the bed every night. I’ve been sitting on this toilet for hours and I’ve yet to use it. I’m constantly nodding off to sleep but every time I do I wake up because I feel myself falling off the toilet. I know everyone in the house is asleep and I consider sneaking out of the bathroom and going to my bed but the fear of what will happen to me keeps me there. Eventually, my desire to lie down and sleep reaches it’s breaking point. I’m terrified of what will happen to me if I leave the bathroom so I decide to sleep on the bathroom floor. I don’t have a pillow or a blanket so I place my cheek directly on the floor. The tiles are cold, I’m cold, all I want to do is sleep but now I can’t because I’m freezing. I could get back on the toilet but I was not able to sleep on there so I stay on the floor and begin to cry. I must have cried myself to sleep because the next thing I remember is hearing my name screamed and I jump up. Then I realize that my pants are wet, I see the look on her face and I know exactly what’s about to happen. I brace myself and hope that it won’t last long.
I feel like I’m trapped. How did I get to this place? I’m so confused. This is not what I planned. This path that I’m on is unfamiliar, it frightens me, I want to turn back but I know I can’t.
I feel like a fraud. I’m not who they think I am. I fear that one day they’ll figure out I’m not really that person. Honestly, I don’t know how they ever got that perception of me. What are they seeing in me that I don’t see in myself. I don’t get it, I’m quiet and reserved, those traits have always benefited me, it’s kept me in the background, where I love to be, so why am I constantly pushed in this direction?
I don’t understand how people who have entered my life recently have a greater impact and influence on my decisions than people whom I’ve known for years. What is happening to me? This is her fault, she’s the one who told me pray. Actually, it’s my fault, I should not have heeded her advice. I never ask questions I don’t want to know the answer too, so why did I pray for something if I wasn’t ready for it. This is one of the many reasons I keep people at a distance, it keeps me in control.
Maybe this is all part of God’s plan for my life, if it is, I don’t like it. I don’t want to do this, I’m not that person. I’m not who they think I am… or maybe I am. I keep trying different directions and every path I take leads me back to this place. Is it time to accept that this is apart of my destiny?
I want to run away but what’s the point of running if I’m going to end up back here?
I’m trapped. I’m confused.
I’m not that person…or maybe I am.