Man of Steel

In my daughter’s eyes I am a hero, I am strong and wise and I know no fear…

I first met him when I was 6. Everything about him frightened me, especially his height and his voice. In my eyes he was a giant. Prior to meeting him, I’d never been in contact with a man. The group home was run by women, the social workers were women and the only people who visited their children were women. For 2 years I rarely said a word to him but he never stopped talking to me and making me laugh. Eventually I started talking and over the next few years I became daddy’s girl. For a long time I thought he was invincible, larger than life and seemed capable of doing anything. He taught me how to ride a bike and how to use a drill. He held my hand and walked me down the aisle when I was ready to receive Christ. He was my roller coaster riding partner. His military stories were fascinating and he made me believe I too was capable of doing anything. He was my superhero, my man of steel.

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All of these people I meet it seems like they’re fine…in some ways I hope that they’re not and their hearts are like mine…it’s wrong when it seems like work to belong all I feel is hurt. If God is on my side who can be against me?

I love when song lyrics reflect the state I’m in.

I’m tired. I’m confused. I’m angry.

How long will I be in this wilderness? Will this road to nowhere ever lead me somewhere?

I don’t need to know what God’s plan is, I don’t need to see the end result. I just need to see something, something that shows me that this will get better. I need direction, I have no one, I have nothing.

What’s the point of staying faithful, serving and consistently doing good when all I see is darkness. When I see darkness my mind goes to a dark place. I do things in that dark place that I normally wouldn’t do. I want to give up. I want to disappear.

…back to pretending that everything is good

…my isolation continues

But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland… Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT


Bugs on a Log

Originally I planned on publishing another blog that included more personal details about my life, my current journey of self development and spiritual growth, it doesn’t have any jaw dropping revelations but it’s still something I’m not sure I want to share quite yet. As a result of not posting my planned blog I’ve been hit with a case of writers block. I’ve started writing and deleting a number blogs during the past two and a half weeks but none them seemed worthy enough to publish. My goal is to post something on a semi-regular basis so I’ve decided to write an utterly mundane blog about things you may or may not know about me.

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31 days into my journey of a lifetime. No turning back.

31 days into my journey of a lifetime. No turning back.