Three hundred and sixty five days, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. Last night I saw her, she said she loved me and then she was gone, again.
Prior to her death I rarely cried. I didn’t cry when my dad died, I didn’t cry when my sister died but now the smallest thing can get me to tear up. In the past year, I’ve become too sensitive, the tears come too easily, I need to fix it and I will.
They’re trying to convince me that we weren’t made to be alone, we were made to have companionship. That’s a bunch of bs, which is why I’m even more determined to not allow people past my walls, so when they leave I’ll be a able to brush it off.
The woman who birth me left, the woman who raised me left and I know that she’s going to leave me too, even though she says we’re together for life.
I don’t want to be alone but I know it’s inevitable so it’s time to start building walls. I won’t allow myself to feel that kind of hurt again.
Originally I planned on publishing another blog that included more personal details about my life, my current journey of self development and spiritual growth, it doesn’t have any jaw dropping revelations but it’s still something I’m not sure I want to share quite yet. As a result of not posting my planned blog I’ve been hit with a case of writers block. I’ve started writing and deleting a number blogs during the past two and a half weeks but none them seemed worthy enough to publish. My goal is to post something on a semi-regular basis so I’ve decided to write an utterly mundane blog about things you may or may not know about me.
It’s dark, I don’t know the exact time but it’s in the middle of night. All I want is to be able to sleep in my bed but I’m being forced to sit on a toilet because I wet the bed every night. I’ve been sitting on this toilet for hours and I’ve yet to use it. I’m constantly nodding off to sleep but every time I do I wake up because I feel myself falling off the toilet. I know everyone in the house is asleep and I consider sneaking out of the bathroom and going to my bed but the fear of what will happen to me keeps me there. Eventually, my desire to lie down and sleep reaches it’s breaking point. I’m terrified of what will happen to me if I leave the bathroom so I decide to sleep on the bathroom floor. I don’t have a pillow or a blanket so I place my cheek directly on the floor. The tiles are cold, I’m cold, all I want to do is sleep but now I can’t because I’m freezing. I could get back on the toilet but I was not able to sleep on there so I stay on the floor and begin to cry. I must have cried myself to sleep because the next thing I remember is hearing my name screamed and I jump up. Then I realize that my pants are wet, I see the look on her face and I know exactly what’s about to happen. I brace myself and hope that it won’t last long.
I feel like I’m trapped. How did I get to this place? I’m so confused. This is not what I planned. This path that I’m on is unfamiliar, it frightens me, I want to turn back but I know I can’t.
I feel like a fraud. I’m not who they think I am. I fear that one day they’ll figure out I’m not really that person. Honestly, I don’t know how they ever got that perception of me. What are they seeing in me that I don’t see in myself. I don’t get it, I’m quiet and reserved, those traits have always benefited me, it’s kept me in the background, where I love to be, so why am I constantly pushed in this direction?
I don’t understand how people who have entered my life recently have a greater impact and influence on my decisions than people whom I’ve known for years. What is happening to me? This is her fault, she’s the one who told me pray. Actually, it’s my fault, I should not have heeded her advice. I never ask questions I don’t want to know the answer too, so why did I pray for something if I wasn’t ready for it. This is one of the many reasons I keep people at a distance, it keeps me in control.
Maybe this is all part of God’s plan for my life, if it is, I don’t like it. I don’t want to do this, I’m not that person. I’m not who they think I am… or maybe I am. I keep trying different directions and every path I take leads me back to this place. Is it time to accept that this is apart of my destiny?
I want to run away but what’s the point of running if I’m going to end up back here?
I’m trapped. I’m confused.
I’m not that person…or maybe I am.
I made a choice.
Though the tears continue to fall and doubt has crept in, I still choose to follow.
I’ve committed to doing everything in my power to grow closer and to serve others.
There’s a heaviness I feel yet I’m still choosing to continue on.
I have to believe there will be a breakthrough eventually.
I think I see an outcome on the horizon but I’m not really sure.
This isn’t some new year resolution or goal. I’ve actually been thinking about it for a while now. I wonder what it’d be like to show some level of transparency. What would happen if I allowed people to see what I’m really thinking? Am I actually going to tell people I’m blogging again or will this be my own personal journal on the internet? It’s been a few years since I actually maintained a blog, it’s still available to anyone who’d like to see it but the only way for you to find it is to remember what the title of the blog was or you need to know something about where my head was at back then. I could easily tell you but I’m never that easy. My writing may get annoying and frustrating at times because well, I don’t always stick to the point of what I intended to write about. The good news is, at least I think so, is that if you continue reading eventually I’ll always get back to the point. Maybe.
Reflecting on 2013 is easy and difficult. The year was hell. The main reason of course, is that my mom left this world. But there were other things that made it hell. Some of which I willing to tell and others I am not. I’m not writing any of it right now but maybe in the future I will.
It’s time. I’m ready. I think. I hope.
"I built my house here along side this mountain, this rugged mountain that stands so tall. I’ve had a good life
above the lowlands, it’s more than I asked for but less than I dreamed.
I’ve often heard a voice call down to me, if you’d climb higher you’d find wondrous things to see but the way is steep and a storm may come…”
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.