For about an hour my phone was constantly buzzing, instead of responding to the calls and text messages I forced myself to turn it off. It’s something I rarely do, my phone is my lifeline. It keeps me connected to so many things and people. It is also my kryptonite. I’m not sure when or how I allowed myself to become their go to call. For a while I didn’t see anything wrong with it, in fact, I thought I controlled what was happening.
I’ve been searching for something but it’s been unattainable. It’s left me feeling like a shell of the person I once was. Not that I have ever been this great person, I’ve just never been this off track.
I am lost.
I am a hypocrite.
I am a liar.
I am a coward.
I am confused.
I am angry.
I am hurting.
I am broken.
I am worthless.
God loves me. Does he?
God has plan for my life? Really?
There has got to be something more than this. I have to believe God has called me to something greater than this stagnant, mundane life I’ve been living.
I want to know what it feels like to live life without fear. I want to know what genuine happiness feels like. I want to know a life that doesn’t feel like it’s full of shattered dreams and abandonment.
My way of living hasn’t worked so I guess that means it’s time to try something else, I just don’t know where to start.
Do You Believe God Loves You? | Jefferson Bethke
In my daughter’s eyes I am a hero, I am strong and wise and I know no fear…
I first met him when I was 6. Everything about him frightened me, especially his height and his voice. In my eyes he was a giant. Prior to meeting him, I’d never been in contact with a man. The group home was run by women, the social workers were women and the only people who visited their children were women. For 2 years I rarely said a word to him but he never stopped talking to me and making me laugh. Eventually I started talking and over the next few years I became daddy’s girl. For a long time I thought he was invincible, larger than life and seemed capable of doing anything. He taught me how to ride a bike and how to use a drill. He held my hand and walked me down the aisle when I was ready to receive Christ. He was my roller coaster riding partner. His military stories were fascinating and he made me believe I too was capable of doing anything. He was my superhero, my man of steel.
All of these people I meet it seems like they’re fine…in some ways I hope that they’re not and their hearts are like mine…it’s wrong when it seems like work to belong all I feel is hurt. If God is on my side who can be against me?
I love when song lyrics reflect the state I’m in.
I’m tired. I’m confused. I’m angry.
How long will I be in this wilderness? Will this road to nowhere ever lead me somewhere?
I don’t need to know what God’s plan is, I don’t need to see the end result. I just need to see something, something that shows me that this will get better. I need direction, I have no one, I have nothing.
What’s the point of staying faithful, serving and consistently doing good when all I see is darkness. When I see darkness my mind goes to a dark place. I do things in that dark place that I normally wouldn’t do. I want to give up. I want to disappear.
…back to pretending that everything is good
…my isolation continues
But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland… Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT
Three hundred and sixty five days, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. Last night I saw her, she said she loved me and then she was gone, again.
Prior to her death I rarely cried. I didn’t cry when my dad died, I didn’t cry when my sister died but now the smallest thing can get me to tear up. In the past year, I’ve become too sensitive, the tears come too easily, I need to fix it and I will.
They’re trying to convince me that we weren’t made to be alone, we were made to have companionship. That’s a bunch of bs, which is why I’m even more determined to not allow people past my walls, so when they leave I’ll be a able to brush it off.
The woman who birthed me left, the woman who raised me left and I know that she’s going to leave me too, even though she says we’re together for life.
I don’t want to be alone but I know it’s inevitable so it’s time to start building walls. I won’t allow myself to feel that kind of hurt again.